2017/07/24
2014/08/23
I don't wanna see a world without you
To "Nos Etoiles Contraires" (The fault in our stars).
Sometimes (or usually even always), we complain "why me", and there are actually so many things (usually sad things) happening without reason, when no one to blame or when we don't want to blame ourselves, we'll blame on our stars.
It's not their fault to have their diseases, it's not their fault to have to face their short life, to help their family about their coming lost.
Everyone has to face the death, the death of the family, the friend, the life partner, and, themselves. The death wish could only be used once, because we could only die once. These two children use their death wishes to fulfill their dream or their lover's dream.
When the end of the life shines like the stars, like the champagne they were drinking, I was so touched by the eulogy of the friend "I don't want the artificial eyes to see, because I don't wanna see a world without you."
About death and life, life and love, this film worth crying in the cinema.
William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene II :
"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves..."
Sometimes (or usually even always), we complain "why me", and there are actually so many things (usually sad things) happening without reason, when no one to blame or when we don't want to blame ourselves, we'll blame on our stars.
It's not their fault to have their diseases, it's not their fault to have to face their short life, to help their family about their coming lost.
Everyone has to face the death, the death of the family, the friend, the life partner, and, themselves. The death wish could only be used once, because we could only die once. These two children use their death wishes to fulfill their dream or their lover's dream.
When the end of the life shines like the stars, like the champagne they were drinking, I was so touched by the eulogy of the friend "I don't want the artificial eyes to see, because I don't wanna see a world without you."
About death and life, life and love, this film worth crying in the cinema.
2014/07/31
No Reason
I'm so loved that I have no reason to be sad.
I'm so satisfied that I have no reason to worry.
I'm so blessed that I have no reason to complain.
But why, why, why I have no reason to feel the way I should feel.
I'm so satisfied that I have no reason to worry.
I'm so blessed that I have no reason to complain.
But why, why, why I have no reason to feel the way I should feel.
2014/07/17
My dark side
Maybe because I'm a premature girl, my circle of friends contains mostly those who are older than me, some of them are even more than 50 years older. I love listening their stories, sometimes the stories from long long ago, even before my parents' generation was born. Most of them are not that old. I don't know whether they consider me as the same age as them or just a little sister, although our discussion is really about the life of the older one, for example, the kids.
I have been enjoying being more mature than (at least in my opinion) the same age people. But sometimes my heart cannot follow my rationality. My heart sometimes cannot afford the sadness which I should not have at a young age. I still remember the evening when I called my mother from campus to comfort her, she said that you don't have to be strong like this, you are just a kid. At that moment I held myself not to cry, because I know she needed my support.
Prematurity maybe the reason that I choose to hide all the bad things, the dark things in my heart. This cause a great problem, is that, the closer you get to me, you'll receive more darkness from me. For those friends who are not so close, they think that I'm a funny girl. For those who've seen the darkness, I fear that one day they'll have enough and leave me. I don't wanna be abandoned, either I protect myself by keeping a distance, or I wait the day being abandoned, like waiting the judgement day.
I'm chasing something I'll never get. During the lunch time, Carrie said, you see, so many sisters love you, they're big sisters. When I was back to work, I felt so depressed, I don't understand, why so many people love me, but I insist to chase something outside. I'm ruining everything. And I can't share with anyone around. My dearest friend is so far away.
I want to leave here, I want to buy a ticket directing to the end of the world, and the departure time is tomorrow when I wake up or not forever.
The sun shone very well today, but it couldn't light out my darkness in my heart.
Lord, please, help me, who can I rely on except you?
There's nothing worth to expect for me now, I just want to get closer to you, it's so awful living like this.
I have been enjoying being more mature than (at least in my opinion) the same age people. But sometimes my heart cannot follow my rationality. My heart sometimes cannot afford the sadness which I should not have at a young age. I still remember the evening when I called my mother from campus to comfort her, she said that you don't have to be strong like this, you are just a kid. At that moment I held myself not to cry, because I know she needed my support.
Prematurity maybe the reason that I choose to hide all the bad things, the dark things in my heart. This cause a great problem, is that, the closer you get to me, you'll receive more darkness from me. For those friends who are not so close, they think that I'm a funny girl. For those who've seen the darkness, I fear that one day they'll have enough and leave me. I don't wanna be abandoned, either I protect myself by keeping a distance, or I wait the day being abandoned, like waiting the judgement day.
I'm chasing something I'll never get. During the lunch time, Carrie said, you see, so many sisters love you, they're big sisters. When I was back to work, I felt so depressed, I don't understand, why so many people love me, but I insist to chase something outside. I'm ruining everything. And I can't share with anyone around. My dearest friend is so far away.
I want to leave here, I want to buy a ticket directing to the end of the world, and the departure time is tomorrow when I wake up or not forever.
The sun shone very well today, but it couldn't light out my darkness in my heart.
Lord, please, help me, who can I rely on except you?
There's nothing worth to expect for me now, I just want to get closer to you, it's so awful living like this.
2014/07/09
No meaning
All the everyday stuff that fills our lives, neither adding particular meaning or taking it away.I saw this sentence in an article from New Yorker, a cancer doctor whose wife died of cancer.
It is real, I find my life's meaning has been taken away by the everyday stuff, which has been pushing me, to live. I'm dragged by the stuffs to move on, I'd rather run away from my life. But I don't know how.
Thinking of giving up the good life is cruel, not only for the ones who love me, but also to those who struggle to live and still want to live. Life sometimes is a luxury for someone, but no color to others. They say that Camus has said, that some people are born to live, and some people are born to love. For those who are born to love, if they lose the ability to love, they don't know how to live.
Don't wanna sleep, because I don't know what to expect tomorrow.
Don't wanna come home, because I lost my transport pass.
Don't wanna go to work, because I'm no use for anyone.
Don't wanna stay in France, because I don't belong here.
Don't wanna go back to China, because I don't belong there either.
Don't wanna be dependent on anyone, because in the end I'm always burnt.
Don't wanna leave, because I know that hurts too...
2014/06/26
I'm not worth it
I'm in a depression period. I'm a lucky girl, they don't give me up. I'm giving up myself.
It seems that I'm not worth one's love. I still can remember Sarah shared that so many times she felt herself not good enough. But as Jesus can forgive us, why ourselves cannot?
I'm a wicked girl. I choose to be together with someone when I don't know what love is. I was just eager to have some warmth in the cold world, I was reaching out for the help to get me out of the swamp of the sadness. And after all these year, when it's time to get married, I suddenly decided to think all this over.
I'm afraid of being in love with someone else but married to another, I'm afraid of leaving but to realize that the one I left is the true love.
I'm a terrible person. I'm just too greed to be afraid to lose, I think I'll end up being lonely. Because that's what I'm worthy.
It seems that I'm not worth one's love. I still can remember Sarah shared that so many times she felt herself not good enough. But as Jesus can forgive us, why ourselves cannot?
I'm a wicked girl. I choose to be together with someone when I don't know what love is. I was just eager to have some warmth in the cold world, I was reaching out for the help to get me out of the swamp of the sadness. And after all these year, when it's time to get married, I suddenly decided to think all this over.
I'm afraid of being in love with someone else but married to another, I'm afraid of leaving but to realize that the one I left is the true love.
I'm a terrible person. I'm just too greed to be afraid to lose, I think I'll end up being lonely. Because that's what I'm worthy.
2014/06/17
Those who live are lonely
Apart from all the bad luck I've had for several weeks, I've got the bad news one by one, non-stop. A not so close friend's mother has passed away several days ago. This is the 5th passing away news I've heard for the people around me.
I never supposed that the death could be so close. Many years ago, this kind of news seemed always far. Or maybe it was because my uncle has gone forever when I was just 11 years old. I still remember my dad lying on the sofa sheding tears, while looking at me, asked, you are not sad about your uncle. I wasn't really sad. I didn't know what sadness really means. I had no heart.
I went to the funeral for the mother of a sister in church last month. We're not that close, but she serves the church hard and leads our choir to which I join too. I was so sad. Because I gradually understand little by little the unspoken deep sadness for the loss to the family.
Last year, N lost her father; this year, M lost his father, H lost her father, C lost her mother, M lost his grandmother, XH lost her mother. I'm sorry I didn't and couldn't do anything to make you better. I was too young to understand, and am too old to show the deep love. Those who still live are lonely. Those who still live need more courage. I was praying for several months for those who lost their family members, but this just continues to happen.
Yesterday I was lying on the bed suffering from the pain, reading the mail saying that our sister lost her mother. I felt so helpless. We'll see each other one day. But those who are still on the earth have to stand all the emptiness and feel being swallowed by the darkness.
My dearest, may God comforts you, please, have more courage to move on!
I never supposed that the death could be so close. Many years ago, this kind of news seemed always far. Or maybe it was because my uncle has gone forever when I was just 11 years old. I still remember my dad lying on the sofa sheding tears, while looking at me, asked, you are not sad about your uncle. I wasn't really sad. I didn't know what sadness really means. I had no heart.
I went to the funeral for the mother of a sister in church last month. We're not that close, but she serves the church hard and leads our choir to which I join too. I was so sad. Because I gradually understand little by little the unspoken deep sadness for the loss to the family.
Last year, N lost her father; this year, M lost his father, H lost her father, C lost her mother, M lost his grandmother, XH lost her mother. I'm sorry I didn't and couldn't do anything to make you better. I was too young to understand, and am too old to show the deep love. Those who still live are lonely. Those who still live need more courage. I was praying for several months for those who lost their family members, but this just continues to happen.
Yesterday I was lying on the bed suffering from the pain, reading the mail saying that our sister lost her mother. I felt so helpless. We'll see each other one day. But those who are still on the earth have to stand all the emptiness and feel being swallowed by the darkness.
My dearest, may God comforts you, please, have more courage to move on!
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