Planification of week

I don't wanna see a world without you

To "Nos Etoiles Contraires" (The fault in our stars).

William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene II :

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves..." 

Sometimes (or usually even always), we complain "why me", and there are actually so many things (usually sad things) happening without reason,  when no one to blame or when we don't want to blame ourselves, we'll blame on our stars.

It's not their fault to have their diseases, it's not their fault to have to face their short life, to help their family about their coming lost.

Everyone has to face the death, the death of the family, the friend, the life partner, and, themselves. The death wish could only be used once, because we could only die once. These two children use their death wishes to fulfill their dream or their lover's dream.

When the end of the life shines like the stars, like the champagne they were drinking, I was so touched by the eulogy of the friend "I don't want the artificial eyes to see, because I don't wanna see a world without you."

About death and life, life and love, this film worth crying in the cinema.

No Reason

I'm so loved that I have no reason to be sad.
I'm so satisfied that I have no reason  to worry.
I'm so blessed that I have no reason to complain.

But why, why, why I have no reason to feel the way I should feel.

My dark side

Maybe because I'm a premature girl, my circle of friends contains mostly those who are older than me, some of them are even more than 50 years older. I love listening their stories, sometimes the stories from long long ago, even before my parents' generation was born. Most of them are not that old. I don't know whether they consider me as the same age as them or just a little sister, although our discussion is really about the life of the older one, for example, the kids.

I have been enjoying being more mature than (at least in my opinion) the same age people. But sometimes my heart cannot follow my rationality. My heart sometimes cannot afford the sadness which I should not have at a young age. I still remember the evening when I called my mother from campus to comfort her, she said that you don't have to be strong like this, you are just a kid. At that moment I held myself not to cry, because I know she needed my support.

Prematurity maybe the reason that I choose to hide all the bad things, the dark things in my heart. This cause a great problem, is that, the closer you get to me, you'll receive more darkness from me. For those friends who are not so close, they think that I'm a funny girl. For those who've seen the darkness, I fear that one day they'll have enough and leave me. I don't wanna be abandoned, either I protect myself by keeping a distance, or I wait the day being abandoned, like waiting the judgement day.

I'm chasing something I'll never get. During the lunch time, Carrie said, you see, so many sisters love you, they're big sisters. When I was back to work, I felt so depressed, I don't understand, why so many people love me, but I insist to chase something outside. I'm ruining everything. And I can't share with anyone around. My dearest friend is so far away.

I want to leave here, I want to buy a ticket directing to the end of the world, and the departure time is tomorrow when I wake up or not forever.

The sun shone very well today, but it couldn't light out my darkness in my heart.

Lord, please, help me, who can I rely on except you?

There's nothing worth to expect for me now, I just want to get closer to you, it's so awful living like this.

No meaning

All the everyday stuff that fills our lives, neither adding particular meaning or taking it away.

I saw this sentence in an article from New Yorker, a cancer doctor whose wife died of cancer.

It is real, I find my life's meaning has been taken away by the everyday stuff, which has been pushing me, to live. I'm dragged by the stuffs to move on, I'd rather run away from my life. But I don't know how.

Thinking of giving up the good life is cruel, not only for the ones who love me, but also to those who struggle to live and still want to live. Life sometimes is a luxury for someone, but no color to others. They say that Camus has said, that some people are born to live, and some people are born to love. For those who are born to love, if they lose the ability to love, they don't know how to live.

Don't wanna sleep, because I don't know what to expect tomorrow.
Don't wanna come home, because I lost my transport pass.
Don't wanna go to work, because I'm no use for anyone.
Don't wanna stay in France, because I don't belong here.
Don't wanna go back to China, because I don't belong there either.
Don't wanna be dependent on anyone, because in the end I'm always burnt.
Don't wanna leave, because I know that hurts too...

I'm not worth it

I'm in a depression period. I'm a lucky girl, they don't give me up. I'm giving up myself.

It seems that I'm not worth one's love. I still can remember Sarah shared that so many times she felt herself not good enough. But as Jesus can forgive us, why ourselves cannot?

I'm a wicked girl. I choose to be together with someone when I don't know what love is. I was just eager to have some warmth in the cold world, I was reaching out for the help to get me out of the swamp of the sadness. And after all these year, when it's time to get married, I suddenly decided to think all this over.

I'm afraid of being in love with someone else but married to another, I'm afraid of leaving but to realize that the one I left is the true love.

I'm a terrible person. I'm just too greed to be afraid to lose, I think I'll end up being lonely. Because that's what I'm worthy.

Those who live are lonely

Apart from all the bad luck I've had for several weeks, I've got the bad news one by one, non-stop. A not so close friend's mother has passed away several days ago. This is the 5th passing away news I've heard for the people around me.

I never supposed that the death could be so close. Many years ago, this kind of news seemed always far. Or maybe it was because my uncle has gone forever when I was just 11 years old. I still remember my dad lying on the sofa sheding tears, while looking at me, asked, you are not sad about your uncle. I wasn't really sad. I didn't know what sadness really means. I had no heart.

I went to the funeral for the mother of a sister in church last month. We're not that close, but she serves the church hard and leads our choir to which I join too. I was so sad. Because I gradually understand little by little the unspoken deep sadness for the loss to the family.

Last year, N lost her father; this year, M lost his father, H lost her father, C lost her mother, M lost his grandmother, XH lost her mother. I'm sorry I didn't and couldn't do anything to make you better. I was too young to understand, and am too old to show the deep love. Those who still live are lonely. Those who still live need more courage. I was praying for several months for those who lost their family members, but this just continues to happen.

Yesterday I was lying on the bed suffering from the pain, reading the mail saying that our sister lost her mother. I felt so helpless. We'll see each other one day. But those who are still on the earth have to stand all the emptiness and feel being swallowed by the darkness.

My dearest, may God comforts you, please, have more courage to move on!

Future Past

I've watched two films this week. Both of them have a similar trick, that is going to the past in order to change the future.

Today when I was standing outside of my door and couldn't get in, I was kindof desperate to have such possibility to be back to the past. So then, I could have taken out the key inside, and closed the door, or, I could haved stayed and waiting Yan back instead of going down with him together...

As I was sitting beside Yan on the steps of the stairs, I asked him whether this was a dream. He told me, no. "Shit happens", and it has happened so many times in my life recently. Time can't go back, and I can't have the power of mutants or the ability of alpha or omega to rehearse one day again and again. I'm so normal, even banal. I have the same problems others have too, I repeat the idiot errors as others too. I'm not a specail one, although I've been persuading myself so, and I get disappointed about myself and the world. Because I cannot change the world, either my pessimisive attitude about the unknown future.

Future, a word dragging everyone to struggle for. Sometimes it gives hope, sometimes it gives desperation. I've been lost, I don't know what I'm fighting for. Or I'm afraid of fighting for something or someone, coz I know I'll lose them all anyway one day. I'm so pessimisive that I give myself a million excuses not to step out. During the last sharing day of BSF, I remembered that a sister said that all you need is to step out, when you step out you'll find that all you need He has already prepared there, and then you continue to step out, to step out. I'm a loser at the first moment. Thinking back, it seems that I never really tried my best to win.

Hey girl, I think there's something worth fighting even though in the end you'll lose it. Please try to change, don't make the future let you want to change the past.

Say Something

Say something, I'm giving up on youI'll be the one, if you want me to

Something will never be said, before it is already given up. Where's the one, so many poor couldn't tell. Life goes on like this, we're chasing, losing, falling, rising, then again repeating. We know we can't change the world, we can't change the sad rules. So many times I ask myself, why my world appears sadder than others. Whether it's because my thinking too much or others are fooling themselves.

Once I stop my busy steps and start to think all this over, I'm always falling down in the deep sea of sadness. I'm giving up on you, the sadder one is not the one being given up. Nobody will notice how much efforts have one who loves someone have to make to give up.

Anywhere, I would've followed you

 Where will be the deserted island to follow you?  How could I follow you to the end of the earth while standing before you, all I could do is to give up?

Say something, I'm giving up on youAnd I am feeling so small

 Being in love means everything inside you become smaller in front of the one you love. Your pride, your need, your dignity, all those you considered the most important things before other people become smaller and smaller. In this way, love becomes like a sunflower, it turns to the sun, just smile to please others. The perseverence to bear the flower, the suffering during the rainy time... Just to smile brighter when the sun comes up again. But the sun will never change its channel. The sun is acting itself, but what are you doing sunflower? That's what's your name for?

It was over my head I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall

 We're so clumsy before the ones we love, we stumble and fall, and then we'll even get up to make laugh at ourselves telling them "I'm so silly!". Instead, we know nothing at all about them, what is he doing? Why is he happy/not happy? Does he loves what I'm doing? We really know nothing at all. In the end, we'll forget ourselves too.

I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl

Love is patience, love is loving the truth, I'm still learning, everytime I say the samething to my Lord, my God, please teach me how to love. I'm still staring to crawl. I don't know how to love, I don't know the symptoms of love, not sure being in love or not.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

 I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you anywhere,

I'm sorry that I'm no use for helping you to get over your sadness. I become a little anxious when I realize that I could do nothing. That's why and when I begain to try to say goodbye.

 I would've followed you

 Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

My pride has already disappeared, but you never noticed that. You're the one that I love, as I become small, I even didn't realize that my pride was shrinking with me.

 And I'm saying goodbye

Although this has taken really a long time, I'm really saying goodbye.

Beginning of Summer - Time to say goodbye

Summertime Sadness, it's all about the departure. It is the end of the term, the end of the study years, the end of the contract, or even the end of love.

He decided to leave her, "there's something inside you, but it's hard to explain". By repeating this song, I can feel the deep sadness and hearbreaking in one's body. Sometimes, saying goodbye takes longer time than you imagine. I'm always the one who can't realize the sadness immediately. I need longer time to prepare, longer time to realize the absence of someone, and even longer time to accept the fact.

I still remember my crying several months before N's departure from work, and my crying several weeks after his leaving when seeing the empty chair. SA has left too, it took me a long time to say goodbye in my heart too. After experiencing all kinds of departure, I decided not to be the first one to say Goodbye. But, as the life always has a "but", we don't have choice.

The most difficult moment is not the time when he/she is leaving, but the moment when you remind yourself that you would never never do the same thing as before. "Never" is a cruel word, it can give you the sweetness while you forget the original bitterness. "I'll never forget you.", "I'll never abandon you", "I'll never leave".Never say never. Because, never can never be never.

All our promises are used to prove our heart at that very moment, but we were saying it without heart. As no one can be sure about future, even for himself.

Jenny told me that Christians' life is mainly about moving on. She's right.

Amour? Amitié?

J'aimerais bien pratiquer mon français en écrivant quelques choses. C'est une façon de cacher des sentiments aussi. En utilisant des langues différentes peut éviter des gens qui manque de la patience. Comme j'ai beaucoup de secrets de différentes domaines, je pourrais mélanger les langues et les secrets!

Avec beaucoup d'aide des collègues, mon français avance petit à petit. Mais c'est toujours difficile à m'exprimer sans faisant faute.

死亡

        又一次败在了黑夜的诱惑之下，听见伤感的歌，就像抒发自己心中累积的幽怨。

        前两天在日记里写道，长大了，身边才渐渐地多出了生离死别的消息。以前的世界很小很小，小到一次考试的一次失误都足以让人懊恼一阵。现在的世界很大很大，自己偶尔的忧愁悲伤放在偌大的城市就像水蒸气丢进了云彩里。
        刚回来小M就一脸乌云笼罩，我以为我的回来不足以让他开心起来，哪晓得是家中亲人离去了。只告诉了我一个人，一路无言，上了火车告诉我之后，我只是看着他满是忧伤的眼睛，说不出话来。
        死亡恐怕是世界上最让人无力面对的事情，尤其是那些被剩下在世上的人。死亡和时间一样残酷，总有人乐于追赶时间，却很少人去追赶死神。
        其他人不知道这个消息，很少的人发现了小M的不正常。只有在单独和我在一起的时候，我才能清楚感受到那股低气压重新回来的信号。每当此时，我就希望自己能懂得如何去安慰他。我是何其幸运，从未经历过至亲至爱的离世；因此，同时我无法去感同身受。想起一年前的这个时候，也是N刚得知这样的坏消息。当时仍然觉得遥不可及，甚至可能还说了让她伤心的话，无知的心嘴里说出来的话对一个经历丧亲之痛的人而言是多么地残忍。
        我本以为，有了信仰，就不会也不该对死亡惧怕。然而，更让人害怕的似乎是失去一个人之后习惯的被迫改变。周小北和樊斌最初不愿意分手，即使对方的外遇已经明目张胆地来到他们共同的家，小北说，最可怕的就是惯性，那相处多年的惯性，十分可怕地吞噬着在这段关系里的每个个体。但丧失亲人比失恋更为难接受，因为这不仅仅是惯性，是一个曾经以为会永远存在的依靠，等到失去的那天才发现，原来人真的可以一夜长大。
        小M，愿你和你的家人能够快点好起来。

感恩

主，我们来到殿里敬拜你。
造天地万物的主，你配得所有的荣耀与赞美！
感谢你让我们能平安地来到你殿中，赞美你因为这本圣经蛮有你的恩典、爱与智慧。
赞美你，因着你造人也耐心地爱我们。
感谢你，因你为我们预备救恩。
赞美你，教会并不完美。
感谢你，让我们总有机会学习长大。
为着我们遇见的困难感谢你，为着我们所拥有的美好感谢你，为着我们如今能享受的生活感谢你。
为着我们能成为今天的我们感谢你。
感谢诉说不完，赞美永不止息。

Goodbye my lover

世上果然再没有人愿意去理解，一个神经病的无理要求，世上果然也再没有人不去计较自己的付出。如果你要离开，我不会挽回，我依然还是和以前一样，只会默默哀悼已逝的感情。只愿你会找到一个很爱你的人，会付出比你付出的多的人。

我连自己都认不清楚，我是因为不爱还是因为自尊，是因为害怕，还是因为不愿。

你的眼里装满的都是我的不好，而我也不愿因爱变得卑微，你的话，句句刺向我，因为我无力反驳，我发现被你爱的我确实自私而又任性。

原来，世上的爱情并不是那么美好，原来，努力爱的人也不总是那么伟大。
我害怕的那天终于来到，你终于受不了我，而我也还没学会低头。
如果就这样，我是否会失去所谓的真爱，此后从此孤独终老；是否有天会再次被爱情叫醒，而愿意将自己全盘交出。
或许，或许，这世上又会多一个不愿意付出爱，不肯相信爱情婚姻的小孩；或许这世上也会多一个遇到幸福的女子。然后很多年过去，有天擦肩而过，会想起，曾经年少轻狂总是詩，却留下，唏嘘一片。
说再见总是很难，可是每个跟我说再见的人都以为我是一个很洒脱的人，不会辩解，也不用解释，我以为那个懂我的人出现了，那就是你，可如今你也要和我说再见了，虽在起初被你叫醒爱情时我已经做过准备，但真到了这一天，我还是不知所措。原来你，还是不懂。
5年，果然是5年，我不甘心被言中，却又爱强装着面子说自己早就知道。可是，我的每一滴眼泪，为谁而落，我连自己也不清楚。
原谅我，虽然我知道很难原谅。我虽讨厌让宝玉为难忸捏的黛玉，却哪成想，自己造作的脾性早已让人厌烦。我既不可人疼，也不惹人爱。委屈你了这些年。是我不懂爱，不懂珍惜。感谢上帝，在我最需要安慰时派你做我的天使，那是我活到现在最难过去的槛，如果没有你，我肯定没法走到今天。现在我认识神了，如若今天真失去你了，我想也不会比当初难了。我虽感觉遗憾，却不懂如何挽留，我虽觉伤心，但是你说的对，你值得一个更好的姑娘。
再见，my lover。

写在2013云端

“湖水是你的眼神
梦想满天星辰
心情是一个传说
亘古不变地等候
成长是一扇树叶的门
童年有一群亲爱的人
春天是一段路程
沧海桑田的拥有
那些我爱的人
那些离逝的风
那些永远的誓言一遍一遍
那些爱我的人
那些沉淀的泪
那些永远的誓言一遍一遍
我们都曾有过一张天真而忧伤的脸
手握阳光我们望着遥远
轻轻的一天天一年又一年
长大间我们是否还会再唱起心愿”

2013年的心愿，或许承载着许多少年时的梦想，钢琴，婚礼，书，所有唯美的东西，可能会接踵而至，也可能来去匆匆。

轻轻的一年又一年。每一年的年末年初交替，总想回忆点什么，纪念点什么。

2012年重重的一笔大概要留给神。因为他把恩典做我年岁的冠冕，我所行的路径都滴下脂油。这一年的成长最多，磨炼最多，收获也最多。也是我人生中重要的转折点之一。

神不撇弃，顾念在患难中软弱的我，给我安慰，为我分忧，也赐我忍耐后的果实，忍耐中结出来的果实，虽不饱满圆润，却实实在在让我亲身经历到了神的同在与带领。惟有感恩加上感恩。

Yan陪着我，度过难关，为我擦去眼泪，虽有他的无能为力，但却已尽足他的体贴与善良。

其实我是个忘恩负义的人，眼睛总是三心二意，贪心地什么都想要。

2013的心愿是，希望自己能更像有才德的妇人，能够有一天在自己的家庭中做好当尽的本分。

那些沉淀的泪已经化作生命中无言的力量，这些历练已经悄无声息地成为此生的祝福。

2012年遇见的人，伤过的心，失去的，得到的，都已经被2013的年轮悄无声息地碾过。

我们带着我们恩典的冠冕坐在车上，再回头，已难再。

星光点点

可能是环境变了，年纪长了，阅历也多了，我已经不太会像大学时期一样有许多愁绪。然而我自己也想不到，回忆的门被打开，思念竟会像洪水一样涌出，泛滥地一发不可收拾。

听广播的最早记忆大概要从借住在姨妈家的时候开始。那时候因为叔叔重病被转移到南昌，父母都去医院照顾，我还太小，他们只能把我放在姨妈家。对于寄人篱下的记忆甚少，只记得荞头的味道，和同样寄住的姐姐吵架的情景,还有姨妈坐在沙发上被儿子安慰的样子。那时候哥哥在读高三，每天早上起来第一件事就是听美国之音，当时小小的我觉得世界好大，美国好远。

等到我有了自己的收音机，也是读高中的年纪。当时已经从小乡镇转到了小城市，靠着书信与过去的朋友联系，心里很苦闷，因为我是一个害怕改变、害怕分离的小孩。我几乎忘了那台收音机的模样，印象中它和我偷偷买的闲书一起堆放在白漆书桌左边的小柜子里。父母有时因为单位有事，中午无法回家，我就会参加一个智力问答的节目，打电话过去，主持人问我怎么称呼，＂小蚂蚁",我说。广播局和我家都在一条叫北门街的地方，一个在南，一个在北。我因为答对题，有段时间常去领奖。晚上也听一个叫＂影子＂的主持人跟别人谈心的节目，她的＂外圆内方＂是我最早听到的比较认同的处世哲学。

到了大学，刚进大学就被学长学姐哄着去买了收音机，说是考英语必须要。果然大学一路考试下来都是收音机陪伴的。四六级，中法班，英语分班，期中期末考……时常会自大地在考前试听时偷听广播，有一次听到了陈绮贞的＜＜失明前我想记得的四十七件事＞＞,＂我会记得象的死亡...滑翔机的翅膀..我会记得夏日后的暴雨...＂。那天晚上，车被偷的我坐在芳芳的车后座，啦啦啦唱着，从西十二，经过绝望坡，回到韵苑27栋。

韵苑27栋旁边角落有一个小坡，婉转地从后面转到前面，小坡两边都是些灌木，还有不是很漂亮的草地。秋冬季节，总是稀稀拉拉，青不青黄不黄地耷拉着。大概就是现在这样的季节吧。等到再冷一点，好像现在巴黎的温度，天儿好的时候就有人搭绳子晾被子。我们有时得空了还会搬个凳子放在稀稀拉拉的草上，看书、聊天、晒头发、做作业。最有情趣的莫过于将收音机带上。FM103.8，FM101.8，FM102.6，FM98.6...＂有时候，有时候，我会相信一切有尽头。相聚离开，都有时候，没有什么会永垂不朽。＂

我不喜欢巴黎的广播，放的都是重复的很吵的，已经不那么流行的歌。广告很多。而且有时也听不懂，听得很累。我想法国人是很难理解我这样一个外国人复杂的情绪。我不知道是不是在陌生的城市或环境都是这样，还是因为在国外的关系，我总是在这样一个陌生又熟悉的环境里寻找认同感，而偶尔出现的那种真实的距离感与被拒绝感时就会很失落。但我深深地喜欢这个城市，尽管我身在这个寄居的城市，疯狂地思念几万里以外的另一座熟悉又陌生的城市，我的心仍然深深地眷恋脚下的这一片土地。下班到家看《康熙来了》一期很老的节目。黄彦问我怎么无印良品要分开。《掌心》就开始敲我的门。那年昏暗灯光下，坐在床前听广播的影像就不断地敲打着我上锁的记忆。

我开始不断地寻找曾经听过的那些声音。十点熄灯的宿舍，零点已经算是很晚了吧。躺在宿舍床上收听＜＜星光点点＞＞，听恒亮的声音和她放的歌曲。电台的女主播很容易快了就口齿不清。恒亮的声音干净利落，却也温柔如水，很适合夜晚的静谧，她每次称呼她的听众粉宝贝的时候在我听来是十分真诚的。不像现在的＂亲＂，每次看到，总觉得满身都变成鸡皮了。在东九自习的时候有时也会带上收音机，二楼左右什么的信号还不好，从东九走路回宿舍也听，睡觉时也听。从大学走出来4年了，都没怀念过自己听广播的日子。

当我终于又听到FM103.8的时候，听到的却仍是3、4年前听到的歌《思念是一种病》、《我们都是好孩子》。仿佛我还在YY27#107室，“还没为你把红豆，熬成缠绵的伤口，然后一起分享，会更明白，相思的哀愁。还没好好地感受，醒着亲吻的温柔，可能在我左右，你才追求，孤独的自由。”

Some thinking about Church

I don't know whether all the church is like our church : full of problems, brothers and sisters not united, lacking of love and tolerance... All I know is that this mustn't be the church that belongs to Christ should be.

As we are all sinful people, of course we make mistakes now and then. But what is terrible is the feelings of loneliness, when you find that even in the church, you couldn't find the warmth you need. Sometimes it is just a trust from your familiar brothers and sisters. They told you that they understood, but from their eyes, you can see the blame not hidden well, which exposes the doubt. The leaders of church who shows a lot of help or a lot of energy always catch the eyeballs of the community. One day, when they think about the church, they will remind themselves of the leaders, not the one who had made effort to found the church, who may be just an ordinary believer. If the leaders are humble, how lucky the community is. But if not, and even when they don't take others' advice. What a terrible image.

There are always the people who are likely to follow this kind of leaders, who have the charm of leadership, always with the persuasive tongues, the passion, event if they lack the real and deep love for others. But it doesn't matter. And I desperately find out that not so many people think that it's a terrible thing. Or maybe they prefer to think that I am the weird, who always wants to judge.

Finally,  everyone will abandon you as you don't have the same target, the same learning example, and the same vision, and follow the leaders. Leaving me thinking, which one is right, to speak out or keep silence. Speaking out will make more and more people defend the leader, even what he has done is not right according to the Bible. It is not judging, it is just to point out the problem of the church.

It is normal, that perhaps no one understands you. What is pity is that everyone is tending to looking for others' affirmation. Even I tried not to, but what I'm doing now is to look for some confirmation. But, since nobody relevant will read this, and Lord, I know you know me, and you know us all, may you bless our church before you come.

遗憾

在空荡的办公室发呆，窗外雾雨濛濛。透过窗看过去的景色总是甚好的，尤其在放晴的日子。幸运的话，可以看到排列整齐，像油画一样的云彩。塞纳河里不时经过的货船，在对岸还有零星的几只天鹅。然而在这灰色的天气里，巴黎虽然不那么明媚，但灰色却是给娇艳沧桑的巴黎平添了阴郁忧伤的一抹颜色。

闲来，我打开了qq邮箱，忍不住还是点开了阅读日志，订阅的人早在5月更新了一文，依旧是熟悉的笔风，淡淡地说着一丝感慨。和付乐的关系很微妙，我们从来没有真正成为男女朋友，如果说是暧昧，但空间离的距离甚远，事实上无法感觉到暧昧所带来的甜蜜；如果说是爱情，更无法解释之后的不了了之。

在我还没准备好接受爱的时候，我碰到了军斯，碰到了付乐。我不懂爱，也不明白如何去接受和拒绝。因为付乐，我从此害怕任何形式的暧昧，因此，在遇到军斯的时候，在暧昧还在萌芽的时候，我就用冷水浇熄了他的热情。

我一直以为自己是浪漫多情的女孩，这样回顾下来，其实我骨子里是冷峻又理智的，我清楚的知道，这两段感情都不可能会有结果。但每每回想起那段大学的时光，总还是很煽情的。不得不说，这两个人的文采都是吸引我的一个重要原因，但现实似乎告诉我，其实我真正需要的是阳光善良愿意悉心呵护我的爱人，而不是和我一样会伤感会敏感会小资的文艺青年。

付乐写给他爱人的文章总是让人动容，但我感动之余都知道，故事的主角永远不可能是我，记忆中偶尔闪现片断，如何能代替每天相守相知的碎碎念。曾经我也希望有这么个人，时不时地把我写进漂亮的文章里。这个念想，我还是趁早断了吧。

面试经验2012

2011-2012最多的是等待，耐心等待的最后，虽然一开始不是好的结果，但是相信神所预备的，不是人所能看透的。惟有求神赐下智慧，让我能清楚如何倚靠他，如果他愿意，求他指示我在他的计划中该做什么。

从4月中旬又开始找工作了，虽然重新开始不是一件容易的事，但总算林林总总有些面试。面试的职位基本上都是Ingenieur developpement en Java/J2EE，或是test。大部分是SSII，只有少数几家是非SSII。可能因为最后一次实习是在路透的缘故，很多金融方面的SSII会主动找我。

Co-dependency

Today, as usual, I was translating an interesting article, it was about marriage. 


In this article, the author mentions that the early experiences of love may affect our relationship. When we were children, having been loved consistently would give us inner security. And if we lack this security, we may strive to ensure that we are loved. And there exists two different ways acting in the relationship caused by the lack of the security. 


One is co-dependency. And the other is being afraid to commit.


When I searched on the internet I'm shocked that I have many symptoms of co-dependency!

Characteristics of Co-dependent People Are:

• An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
• A tendency to confuse love and pity, with the tendency to “love” people they can pity and rescue
• A tendency to do more than their share, all of the time
• A tendency to become hurt when people don’t recognize their efforts
• An unhealthy dependence on relationships. The co-dependent will do anything to hold on to a relationship; to avoid the feeling of abandonment
• An extreme need for approval and recognition
• A sense of guilt when asserting themselves
• A compelling need to control others
• Lack of trust in self and/or others
• Fear of being abandoned or alone
• Difficulty identifying feelings
• Rigidity/difficulty adjusting to change
• Problems with intimacy/boundaries
• Chronic anger
• Lying/dishonesty
• Poor communications
• Difficulty making decisions

Questionnaire To Identify Signs Of Co-dependency

This condition appears to run in different degrees, whereby the intensity of symptoms are on a spectrum of severity, as opposed to an all or nothing scale. Please note that only a qualified professional can make a diagnosis of co-dependency; not everyone experiencing these symptoms suffers from co-dependency.

1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?

If you identify with several of these symptoms; are dissatisfied with yourself or your relationships; you should consider seeking professional help. Arrange for a diagnostic evaluation with a licensed physician or psychologist experienced in treating co-dependency.

How is Co-dependency Treated?

Because co-dependency is usually rooted in a person’s childhood, treatment often involves exploration into early childhood issues and their relationship to current destructive behavior patterns. Treatment includes education, experiential groups, and individual and group therapy through which co-dependents rediscover themselves and identify self-defeating behavior patterns. Treatment also focuses on helping patients getting in touch with feelings that have been buried during childhood and on reconstructing family dynamics. The goal is to allow them to experience their full range of feelings again.

more infos

Hope this information can help someone like me.