I've watched two films this week. Both of them have a similar trick, that is going to the past in order to change the future.
Today when I was standing outside of my door and couldn't get in, I was kindof desperate to have such possibility to be back to the past. So then, I could have taken out the key inside, and closed the door, or, I could haved stayed and waiting Yan back instead of going down with him together...
As I was sitting beside Yan on the steps of the stairs, I asked him whether this was a dream. He told me, no. "Shit happens", and it has happened so many times in my life recently. Time can't go back, and I can't have the power of mutants or the ability of alpha or omega to rehearse one day again and again. I'm so normal, even banal. I have the same problems others have too, I repeat the idiot errors as others too. I'm not a specail one, although I've been persuading myself so, and I get disappointed about myself and the world. Because I cannot change the world, either my pessimisive attitude about the unknown future.
Future, a word dragging everyone to struggle for. Sometimes it gives hope, sometimes it gives desperation. I've been lost, I don't know what I'm fighting for. Or I'm afraid of fighting for something or someone, coz I know I'll lose them all anyway one day. I'm so pessimisive that I give myself a million excuses not to step out. During the last sharing day of BSF, I remembered that a sister said that all you need is to step out, when you step out you'll find that all you need He has already prepared there, and then you continue to step out, to step out. I'm a loser at the first moment. Thinking back, it seems that I never really tried my best to win.
Hey girl, I think there's something worth fighting even though in the end you'll lose it. Please try to change, don't make the future let you want to change the past.
2014/06/14
2014/06/11
Say Something
Something will never be said, before it is already given up. Where's the one, so many poor couldn't tell. Life goes on like this, we're chasing, losing, falling, rising, then again repeating. We know we can't change the world, we can't change the sad rules. So many times I ask myself, why my world appears sadder than others. Whether it's because my thinking too much or others are fooling themselves.Say something, I'm giving up on youI'll be the one, if you want me to
Once I stop my busy steps and start to think all this over, I'm always falling down in the deep sea of sadness. I'm giving up on you, the sadder one is not the one being given up. Nobody will notice how much efforts have one who loves someone have to make to give up.
Where will be the deserted island to follow you? How could I follow you to the end of the earth while standing before you, all I could do is to give up?Anywhere, I would've followed you
Being in love means everything inside you become smaller in front of the one you love. Your pride, your need, your dignity, all those you considered the most important things before other people become smaller and smaller. In this way, love becomes like a sunflower, it turns to the sun, just smile to please others. The perseverence to bear the flower, the suffering during the rainy time... Just to smile brighter when the sun comes up again. But the sun will never change its channel. The sun is acting itself, but what are you doing sunflower? That's what's your name for?Say something, I'm giving up on youAnd I am feeling so small
We're so clumsy before the ones we love, we stumble and fall, and then we'll even get up to make laugh at ourselves telling them "I'm so silly!". Instead, we know nothing at all about them, what is he doing? Why is he happy/not happy? Does he loves what I'm doing? We really know nothing at all. In the end, we'll forget ourselves too.It was over my head I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall
Love is patience, love is loving the truth, I'm still learning, everytime I say the samething to my Lord, my God, please teach me how to love. I'm still staring to crawl. I don't know how to love, I don't know the symptoms of love, not sure being in love or not.I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I'm no use for helping you to get over your sadness. I become a little anxious when I realize that I could do nothing. That's why and when I begain to try to say goodbye.I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you anywhere,
I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
My pride has already disappeared, but you never noticed that. You're the one that I love, as I become small, I even didn't realize that my pride was shrinking with me.You're the one that I love
Although this has taken really a long time, I'm really saying goodbye.And I'm saying goodbye
2014/06/07
Beginning of Summer - Time to say goodbye
Summertime Sadness, it's all about the departure. It is the end of the term, the end of the study years, the end of the contract, or even the end of love.
He decided to leave her, "there's something inside you, but it's hard to explain". By repeating this song, I can feel the deep sadness and hearbreaking in one's body. Sometimes, saying goodbye takes longer time than you imagine. I'm always the one who can't realize the sadness immediately. I need longer time to prepare, longer time to realize the absence of someone, and even longer time to accept the fact.
I still remember my crying several months before N's departure from work, and my crying several weeks after his leaving when seeing the empty chair. SA has left too, it took me a long time to say goodbye in my heart too. After experiencing all kinds of departure, I decided not to be the first one to say Goodbye. But, as the life always has a "but", we don't have choice.
The most difficult moment is not the time when he/she is leaving, but the moment when you remind yourself that you would never never do the same thing as before. "Never" is a cruel word, it can give you the sweetness while you forget the original bitterness. "I'll never forget you.", "I'll never abandon you", "I'll never leave".Never say never. Because, never can never be never.
All our promises are used to prove our heart at that very moment, but we were saying it without heart. As no one can be sure about future, even for himself.
Jenny told me that Christians' life is mainly about moving on. She's right.
He decided to leave her, "there's something inside you, but it's hard to explain". By repeating this song, I can feel the deep sadness and hearbreaking in one's body. Sometimes, saying goodbye takes longer time than you imagine. I'm always the one who can't realize the sadness immediately. I need longer time to prepare, longer time to realize the absence of someone, and even longer time to accept the fact.
I still remember my crying several months before N's departure from work, and my crying several weeks after his leaving when seeing the empty chair. SA has left too, it took me a long time to say goodbye in my heart too. After experiencing all kinds of departure, I decided not to be the first one to say Goodbye. But, as the life always has a "but", we don't have choice.
The most difficult moment is not the time when he/she is leaving, but the moment when you remind yourself that you would never never do the same thing as before. "Never" is a cruel word, it can give you the sweetness while you forget the original bitterness. "I'll never forget you.", "I'll never abandon you", "I'll never leave".Never say never. Because, never can never be never.
All our promises are used to prove our heart at that very moment, but we were saying it without heart. As no one can be sure about future, even for himself.
Jenny told me that Christians' life is mainly about moving on. She's right.
2014/02/22
Amour? Amitié?
J'aimerais bien pratiquer mon français en écrivant quelques choses. C'est une façon de cacher des sentiments aussi. En utilisant des langues différentes peut éviter des gens qui manque de la patience. Comme j'ai beaucoup de secrets de différentes domaines, je pourrais mélanger les langues et les secrets!
Avec beaucoup d'aide des collègues, mon français avance petit à petit. Mais c'est toujours difficile à m'exprimer sans faisant faute.
Avec beaucoup d'aide des collègues, mon français avance petit à petit. Mais c'est toujours difficile à m'exprimer sans faisant faute.
死亡
又一次败在了黑夜的诱惑之下，听见伤感的歌，就像抒发自己心中累积的幽怨。
前两天在日记里写道，长大了，身边才渐渐地多出了生离死别的消息。以前的世界很小很小，小到一次考试的一次失误都足以让人懊恼一阵。现在的世界很大很大，自己偶尔的忧愁悲伤放在偌大的城市就像水蒸气丢进了云彩里。
刚回来小M就一脸乌云笼罩，我以为我的回来不足以让他开心起来，哪晓得是家中亲人离去了。只告诉了我一个人，一路无言，上了火车告诉我之后，我只是看着他满是忧伤的眼睛，说不出话来。
死亡恐怕是世界上最让人无力面对的事情，尤其是那些被剩下在世上的人。死亡和时间一样残酷，总有人乐于追赶时间，却很少人去追赶死神。
其他人不知道这个消息，很少的人发现了小M的不正常。只有在单独和我在一起的时候，我才能清楚感受到那股低气压重新回来的信号。每当此时，我就希望自己能懂得如何去安慰他。我是何其幸运，从未经历过至亲至爱的离世；因此，同时我无法去感同身受。想起一年前的这个时候，也是N刚得知这样的坏消息。当时仍然觉得遥不可及，甚至可能还说了让她伤心的话，无知的心嘴里说出来的话对一个经历丧亲之痛的人而言是多么地残忍。
我本以为，有了信仰，就不会也不该对死亡惧怕。然而，更让人害怕的似乎是失去一个人之后习惯的被迫改变。周小北和樊斌最初不愿意分手，即使对方的外遇已经明目张胆地来到他们共同的家，小北说，最可怕的就是惯性，那相处多年的惯性，十分可怕地吞噬着在这段关系里的每个个体。但丧失亲人比失恋更为难接受，因为这不仅仅是惯性，是一个曾经以为会永远存在的依靠，等到失去的那天才发现，原来人真的可以一夜长大。
小M，愿你和你的家人能够快点好起来。
前两天在日记里写道，长大了，身边才渐渐地多出了生离死别的消息。以前的世界很小很小，小到一次考试的一次失误都足以让人懊恼一阵。现在的世界很大很大，自己偶尔的忧愁悲伤放在偌大的城市就像水蒸气丢进了云彩里。
刚回来小M就一脸乌云笼罩，我以为我的回来不足以让他开心起来，哪晓得是家中亲人离去了。只告诉了我一个人，一路无言，上了火车告诉我之后，我只是看着他满是忧伤的眼睛，说不出话来。
死亡恐怕是世界上最让人无力面对的事情，尤其是那些被剩下在世上的人。死亡和时间一样残酷，总有人乐于追赶时间，却很少人去追赶死神。
其他人不知道这个消息，很少的人发现了小M的不正常。只有在单独和我在一起的时候，我才能清楚感受到那股低气压重新回来的信号。每当此时，我就希望自己能懂得如何去安慰他。我是何其幸运，从未经历过至亲至爱的离世；因此，同时我无法去感同身受。想起一年前的这个时候，也是N刚得知这样的坏消息。当时仍然觉得遥不可及，甚至可能还说了让她伤心的话，无知的心嘴里说出来的话对一个经历丧亲之痛的人而言是多么地残忍。
我本以为，有了信仰，就不会也不该对死亡惧怕。然而，更让人害怕的似乎是失去一个人之后习惯的被迫改变。周小北和樊斌最初不愿意分手，即使对方的外遇已经明目张胆地来到他们共同的家，小北说，最可怕的就是惯性，那相处多年的惯性，十分可怕地吞噬着在这段关系里的每个个体。但丧失亲人比失恋更为难接受，因为这不仅仅是惯性，是一个曾经以为会永远存在的依靠，等到失去的那天才发现，原来人真的可以一夜长大。
小M，愿你和你的家人能够快点好起来。
2013/03/10
感恩
主，我们来到殿里敬拜你。
造天地万物的主，你配得所有的荣耀与赞美！
感谢你让我们能平安地来到你殿中，赞美你因为这本圣经蛮有你的恩典、爱与智慧。
赞美你，因着你造人也耐心地爱我们。
感谢你，因你为我们预备救恩。
赞美你，教会并不完美。
感谢你，让我们总有机会学习长大。
为着我们遇见的困难感谢你，为着我们所拥有的美好感谢你，为着我们如今能享受的生活感谢你。
为着我们能成为今天的我们感谢你。
感谢诉说不完，赞美永不止息。
造天地万物的主，你配得所有的荣耀与赞美！
感谢你让我们能平安地来到你殿中，赞美你因为这本圣经蛮有你的恩典、爱与智慧。
赞美你，因着你造人也耐心地爱我们。
感谢你，因你为我们预备救恩。
赞美你，教会并不完美。
感谢你，让我们总有机会学习长大。
为着我们遇见的困难感谢你，为着我们所拥有的美好感谢你，为着我们如今能享受的生活感谢你。
为着我们能成为今天的我们感谢你。
感谢诉说不完，赞美永不止息。
2013/03/02
Goodbye my lover
世上果然再没有人愿意去理解，一个神经病的无理要求，世上果然也再没有人不去计较自己的付出。如果你要离开，我不会挽回，我依然还是和以前一样，只会默默哀悼已逝的感情。只愿你会找到一个很爱你的人，会付出比你付出的多的人。
我连自己都认不清楚，我是因为不爱还是因为自尊，是因为害怕，还是因为不愿。
你的眼里装满的都是我的不好，而我也不愿因爱变得卑微，你的话，句句刺向我，因为我无力反驳，我发现被你爱的我确实自私而又任性。
原来，世上的爱情并不是那么美好，原来，努力爱的人也不总是那么伟大。
我害怕的那天终于来到，你终于受不了我，而我也还没学会低头。
如果就这样，我是否会失去所谓的真爱，此后从此孤独终老；是否有天会再次被爱情叫醒，而愿意将自己全盘交出。
或许，或许，这世上又会多一个不愿意付出爱，不肯相信爱情婚姻的小孩；或许这世上也会多一个遇到幸福的女子。然后很多年过去，有天擦肩而过，会想起，曾经年少轻狂总是詩，却留下，唏嘘一片。
说再见总是很难，可是每个跟我说再见的人都以为我是一个很洒脱的人，不会辩解，也不用解释，我以为那个懂我的人出现了，那就是你，可如今你也要和我说再见了，虽在起初被你叫醒爱情时我已经做过准备，但真到了这一天，我还是不知所措。原来你，还是不懂。
5年，果然是5年，我不甘心被言中，却又爱强装着面子说自己早就知道。可是，我的每一滴眼泪，为谁而落，我连自己也不清楚。
原谅我，虽然我知道很难原谅。我虽讨厌让宝玉为难忸捏的黛玉，却哪成想，自己造作的脾性早已让人厌烦。我既不可人疼，也不惹人爱。委屈你了这些年。是我不懂爱，不懂珍惜。感谢上帝，在我最需要安慰时派你做我的天使，那是我活到现在最难过去的槛，如果没有你，我肯定没法走到今天。现在我认识神了，如若今天真失去你了，我想也不会比当初难了。我虽感觉遗憾，却不懂如何挽留，我虽觉伤心，但是你说的对，你值得一个更好的姑娘。
再见，my lover。
我连自己都认不清楚，我是因为不爱还是因为自尊，是因为害怕，还是因为不愿。
你的眼里装满的都是我的不好，而我也不愿因爱变得卑微，你的话，句句刺向我，因为我无力反驳，我发现被你爱的我确实自私而又任性。
原来，世上的爱情并不是那么美好，原来，努力爱的人也不总是那么伟大。
我害怕的那天终于来到，你终于受不了我，而我也还没学会低头。
如果就这样，我是否会失去所谓的真爱，此后从此孤独终老；是否有天会再次被爱情叫醒，而愿意将自己全盘交出。
或许，或许，这世上又会多一个不愿意付出爱，不肯相信爱情婚姻的小孩；或许这世上也会多一个遇到幸福的女子。然后很多年过去，有天擦肩而过，会想起，曾经年少轻狂总是詩，却留下，唏嘘一片。
说再见总是很难，可是每个跟我说再见的人都以为我是一个很洒脱的人，不会辩解，也不用解释，我以为那个懂我的人出现了，那就是你，可如今你也要和我说再见了，虽在起初被你叫醒爱情时我已经做过准备，但真到了这一天，我还是不知所措。原来你，还是不懂。
5年，果然是5年，我不甘心被言中，却又爱强装着面子说自己早就知道。可是，我的每一滴眼泪，为谁而落，我连自己也不清楚。
原谅我，虽然我知道很难原谅。我虽讨厌让宝玉为难忸捏的黛玉，却哪成想，自己造作的脾性早已让人厌烦。我既不可人疼，也不惹人爱。委屈你了这些年。是我不懂爱，不懂珍惜。感谢上帝，在我最需要安慰时派你做我的天使，那是我活到现在最难过去的槛，如果没有你，我肯定没法走到今天。现在我认识神了，如若今天真失去你了，我想也不会比当初难了。我虽感觉遗憾，却不懂如何挽留，我虽觉伤心，但是你说的对，你值得一个更好的姑娘。
再见，my lover。
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