I'm so loved that I have no reason to be sad.
I'm so satisfied that I have no reason to worry.
I'm so blessed that I have no reason to complain.
But why, why, why I have no reason to feel the way I should feel.
2014/07/31
2014/07/17
My dark side
Maybe because I'm a premature girl, my circle of friends contains mostly those who are older than me, some of them are even more than 50 years older. I love listening their stories, sometimes the stories from long long ago, even before my parents' generation was born. Most of them are not that old. I don't know whether they consider me as the same age as them or just a little sister, although our discussion is really about the life of the older one, for example, the kids.
I have been enjoying being more mature than (at least in my opinion) the same age people. But sometimes my heart cannot follow my rationality. My heart sometimes cannot afford the sadness which I should not have at a young age. I still remember the evening when I called my mother from campus to comfort her, she said that you don't have to be strong like this, you are just a kid. At that moment I held myself not to cry, because I know she needed my support.
Prematurity maybe the reason that I choose to hide all the bad things, the dark things in my heart. This cause a great problem, is that, the closer you get to me, you'll receive more darkness from me. For those friends who are not so close, they think that I'm a funny girl. For those who've seen the darkness, I fear that one day they'll have enough and leave me. I don't wanna be abandoned, either I protect myself by keeping a distance, or I wait the day being abandoned, like waiting the judgement day.
I'm chasing something I'll never get. During the lunch time, Carrie said, you see, so many sisters love you, they're big sisters. When I was back to work, I felt so depressed, I don't understand, why so many people love me, but I insist to chase something outside. I'm ruining everything. And I can't share with anyone around. My dearest friend is so far away.
I want to leave here, I want to buy a ticket directing to the end of the world, and the departure time is tomorrow when I wake up or not forever.
The sun shone very well today, but it couldn't light out my darkness in my heart.
Lord, please, help me, who can I rely on except you?
There's nothing worth to expect for me now, I just want to get closer to you, it's so awful living like this.
I have been enjoying being more mature than (at least in my opinion) the same age people. But sometimes my heart cannot follow my rationality. My heart sometimes cannot afford the sadness which I should not have at a young age. I still remember the evening when I called my mother from campus to comfort her, she said that you don't have to be strong like this, you are just a kid. At that moment I held myself not to cry, because I know she needed my support.
Prematurity maybe the reason that I choose to hide all the bad things, the dark things in my heart. This cause a great problem, is that, the closer you get to me, you'll receive more darkness from me. For those friends who are not so close, they think that I'm a funny girl. For those who've seen the darkness, I fear that one day they'll have enough and leave me. I don't wanna be abandoned, either I protect myself by keeping a distance, or I wait the day being abandoned, like waiting the judgement day.
I'm chasing something I'll never get. During the lunch time, Carrie said, you see, so many sisters love you, they're big sisters. When I was back to work, I felt so depressed, I don't understand, why so many people love me, but I insist to chase something outside. I'm ruining everything. And I can't share with anyone around. My dearest friend is so far away.
I want to leave here, I want to buy a ticket directing to the end of the world, and the departure time is tomorrow when I wake up or not forever.
The sun shone very well today, but it couldn't light out my darkness in my heart.
Lord, please, help me, who can I rely on except you?
There's nothing worth to expect for me now, I just want to get closer to you, it's so awful living like this.
2014/07/09
No meaning
All the everyday stuff that fills our lives, neither adding particular meaning or taking it away.I saw this sentence in an article from New Yorker, a cancer doctor whose wife died of cancer.
It is real, I find my life's meaning has been taken away by the everyday stuff, which has been pushing me, to live. I'm dragged by the stuffs to move on, I'd rather run away from my life. But I don't know how.
Thinking of giving up the good life is cruel, not only for the ones who love me, but also to those who struggle to live and still want to live. Life sometimes is a luxury for someone, but no color to others. They say that Camus has said, that some people are born to live, and some people are born to love. For those who are born to love, if they lose the ability to love, they don't know how to live.
Don't wanna sleep, because I don't know what to expect tomorrow.
Don't wanna come home, because I lost my transport pass.
Don't wanna go to work, because I'm no use for anyone.
Don't wanna stay in France, because I don't belong here.
Don't wanna go back to China, because I don't belong there either.
Don't wanna be dependent on anyone, because in the end I'm always burnt.
Don't wanna leave, because I know that hurts too...
2014/06/26
I'm not worth it
I'm in a depression period. I'm a lucky girl, they don't give me up. I'm giving up myself.
It seems that I'm not worth one's love. I still can remember Sarah shared that so many times she felt herself not good enough. But as Jesus can forgive us, why ourselves cannot?
I'm a wicked girl. I choose to be together with someone when I don't know what love is. I was just eager to have some warmth in the cold world, I was reaching out for the help to get me out of the swamp of the sadness. And after all these year, when it's time to get married, I suddenly decided to think all this over.
I'm afraid of being in love with someone else but married to another, I'm afraid of leaving but to realize that the one I left is the true love.
I'm a terrible person. I'm just too greed to be afraid to lose, I think I'll end up being lonely. Because that's what I'm worthy.
It seems that I'm not worth one's love. I still can remember Sarah shared that so many times she felt herself not good enough. But as Jesus can forgive us, why ourselves cannot?
I'm a wicked girl. I choose to be together with someone when I don't know what love is. I was just eager to have some warmth in the cold world, I was reaching out for the help to get me out of the swamp of the sadness. And after all these year, when it's time to get married, I suddenly decided to think all this over.
I'm afraid of being in love with someone else but married to another, I'm afraid of leaving but to realize that the one I left is the true love.
I'm a terrible person. I'm just too greed to be afraid to lose, I think I'll end up being lonely. Because that's what I'm worthy.
2014/06/17
Those who live are lonely
Apart from all the bad luck I've had for several weeks, I've got the bad news one by one, non-stop. A not so close friend's mother has passed away several days ago. This is the 5th passing away news I've heard for the people around me.
I never supposed that the death could be so close. Many years ago, this kind of news seemed always far. Or maybe it was because my uncle has gone forever when I was just 11 years old. I still remember my dad lying on the sofa sheding tears, while looking at me, asked, you are not sad about your uncle. I wasn't really sad. I didn't know what sadness really means. I had no heart.
I went to the funeral for the mother of a sister in church last month. We're not that close, but she serves the church hard and leads our choir to which I join too. I was so sad. Because I gradually understand little by little the unspoken deep sadness for the loss to the family.
Last year, N lost her father; this year, M lost his father, H lost her father, C lost her mother, M lost his grandmother, XH lost her mother. I'm sorry I didn't and couldn't do anything to make you better. I was too young to understand, and am too old to show the deep love. Those who still live are lonely. Those who still live need more courage. I was praying for several months for those who lost their family members, but this just continues to happen.
Yesterday I was lying on the bed suffering from the pain, reading the mail saying that our sister lost her mother. I felt so helpless. We'll see each other one day. But those who are still on the earth have to stand all the emptiness and feel being swallowed by the darkness.
My dearest, may God comforts you, please, have more courage to move on!
I never supposed that the death could be so close. Many years ago, this kind of news seemed always far. Or maybe it was because my uncle has gone forever when I was just 11 years old. I still remember my dad lying on the sofa sheding tears, while looking at me, asked, you are not sad about your uncle. I wasn't really sad. I didn't know what sadness really means. I had no heart.
I went to the funeral for the mother of a sister in church last month. We're not that close, but she serves the church hard and leads our choir to which I join too. I was so sad. Because I gradually understand little by little the unspoken deep sadness for the loss to the family.
Last year, N lost her father; this year, M lost his father, H lost her father, C lost her mother, M lost his grandmother, XH lost her mother. I'm sorry I didn't and couldn't do anything to make you better. I was too young to understand, and am too old to show the deep love. Those who still live are lonely. Those who still live need more courage. I was praying for several months for those who lost their family members, but this just continues to happen.
Yesterday I was lying on the bed suffering from the pain, reading the mail saying that our sister lost her mother. I felt so helpless. We'll see each other one day. But those who are still on the earth have to stand all the emptiness and feel being swallowed by the darkness.
My dearest, may God comforts you, please, have more courage to move on!
2014/06/14
Future Past
I've watched two films this week. Both of them have a similar trick, that is going to the past in order to change the future.
Today when I was standing outside of my door and couldn't get in, I was kindof desperate to have such possibility to be back to the past. So then, I could have taken out the key inside, and closed the door, or, I could haved stayed and waiting Yan back instead of going down with him together...
As I was sitting beside Yan on the steps of the stairs, I asked him whether this was a dream. He told me, no. "Shit happens", and it has happened so many times in my life recently. Time can't go back, and I can't have the power of mutants or the ability of alpha or omega to rehearse one day again and again. I'm so normal, even banal. I have the same problems others have too, I repeat the idiot errors as others too. I'm not a specail one, although I've been persuading myself so, and I get disappointed about myself and the world. Because I cannot change the world, either my pessimisive attitude about the unknown future.
Future, a word dragging everyone to struggle for. Sometimes it gives hope, sometimes it gives desperation. I've been lost, I don't know what I'm fighting for. Or I'm afraid of fighting for something or someone, coz I know I'll lose them all anyway one day. I'm so pessimisive that I give myself a million excuses not to step out. During the last sharing day of BSF, I remembered that a sister said that all you need is to step out, when you step out you'll find that all you need He has already prepared there, and then you continue to step out, to step out. I'm a loser at the first moment. Thinking back, it seems that I never really tried my best to win.
Hey girl, I think there's something worth fighting even though in the end you'll lose it. Please try to change, don't make the future let you want to change the past.
Today when I was standing outside of my door and couldn't get in, I was kindof desperate to have such possibility to be back to the past. So then, I could have taken out the key inside, and closed the door, or, I could haved stayed and waiting Yan back instead of going down with him together...
As I was sitting beside Yan on the steps of the stairs, I asked him whether this was a dream. He told me, no. "Shit happens", and it has happened so many times in my life recently. Time can't go back, and I can't have the power of mutants or the ability of alpha or omega to rehearse one day again and again. I'm so normal, even banal. I have the same problems others have too, I repeat the idiot errors as others too. I'm not a specail one, although I've been persuading myself so, and I get disappointed about myself and the world. Because I cannot change the world, either my pessimisive attitude about the unknown future.
Future, a word dragging everyone to struggle for. Sometimes it gives hope, sometimes it gives desperation. I've been lost, I don't know what I'm fighting for. Or I'm afraid of fighting for something or someone, coz I know I'll lose them all anyway one day. I'm so pessimisive that I give myself a million excuses not to step out. During the last sharing day of BSF, I remembered that a sister said that all you need is to step out, when you step out you'll find that all you need He has already prepared there, and then you continue to step out, to step out. I'm a loser at the first moment. Thinking back, it seems that I never really tried my best to win.
Hey girl, I think there's something worth fighting even though in the end you'll lose it. Please try to change, don't make the future let you want to change the past.
2014/06/11
Say Something
Something will never be said, before it is already given up. Where's the one, so many poor couldn't tell. Life goes on like this, we're chasing, losing, falling, rising, then again repeating. We know we can't change the world, we can't change the sad rules. So many times I ask myself, why my world appears sadder than others. Whether it's because my thinking too much or others are fooling themselves.Say something, I'm giving up on youI'll be the one, if you want me to
Once I stop my busy steps and start to think all this over, I'm always falling down in the deep sea of sadness. I'm giving up on you, the sadder one is not the one being given up. Nobody will notice how much efforts have one who loves someone have to make to give up.
Where will be the deserted island to follow you? How could I follow you to the end of the earth while standing before you, all I could do is to give up?Anywhere, I would've followed you
Being in love means everything inside you become smaller in front of the one you love. Your pride, your need, your dignity, all those you considered the most important things before other people become smaller and smaller. In this way, love becomes like a sunflower, it turns to the sun, just smile to please others. The perseverence to bear the flower, the suffering during the rainy time... Just to smile brighter when the sun comes up again. But the sun will never change its channel. The sun is acting itself, but what are you doing sunflower? That's what's your name for?Say something, I'm giving up on youAnd I am feeling so small
We're so clumsy before the ones we love, we stumble and fall, and then we'll even get up to make laugh at ourselves telling them "I'm so silly!". Instead, we know nothing at all about them, what is he doing? Why is he happy/not happy? Does he loves what I'm doing? We really know nothing at all. In the end, we'll forget ourselves too.It was over my head I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall
Love is patience, love is loving the truth, I'm still learning, everytime I say the samething to my Lord, my God, please teach me how to love. I'm still staring to crawl. I don't know how to love, I don't know the symptoms of love, not sure being in love or not.I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I'm no use for helping you to get over your sadness. I become a little anxious when I realize that I could do nothing. That's why and when I begain to try to say goodbye.I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you anywhere,
I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
My pride has already disappeared, but you never noticed that. You're the one that I love, as I become small, I even didn't realize that my pride was shrinking with me.You're the one that I love
Although this has taken really a long time, I'm really saying goodbye.And I'm saying goodbye
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