Some thinking about Church

I don't know whether all the church is like our church : full of problems, brothers and sisters not united, lacking of love and tolerance... All I know is that this mustn't be the church that belongs to Christ should be.

As we are all sinful people, of course we make mistakes now and then. But what is terrible is the feelings of loneliness, when you find that even in the church, you couldn't find the warmth you need. Sometimes it is just a trust from your familiar brothers and sisters. They told you that they understood, but from their eyes, you can see the blame not hidden well, which exposes the doubt. The leaders of church who shows a lot of help or a lot of energy always catch the eyeballs of the community. One day, when they think about the church, they will remind themselves of the leaders, not the one who had made effort to found the church, who may be just an ordinary believer. If the leaders are humble, how lucky the community is. But if not, and even when they don't take others' advice. What a terrible image.

There are always the people who are likely to follow this kind of leaders, who have the charm of leadership, always with the persuasive tongues, the passion, event if they lack the real and deep love for others. But it doesn't matter. And I desperately find out that not so many people think that it's a terrible thing. Or maybe they prefer to think that I am the weird, who always wants to judge.

Finally,  everyone will abandon you as you don't have the same target, the same learning example, and the same vision, and follow the leaders. Leaving me thinking, which one is right, to speak out or keep silence. Speaking out will make more and more people defend the leader, even what he has done is not right according to the Bible. It is not judging, it is just to point out the problem of the church.

It is normal, that perhaps no one understands you. What is pity is that everyone is tending to looking for others' affirmation. Even I tried not to, but what I'm doing now is to look for some confirmation. But, since nobody relevant will read this, and Lord, I know you know me, and you know us all, may you bless our church before you come.

遗憾

在空荡的办公室发呆，窗外雾雨濛濛。透过窗看过去的景色总是甚好的，尤其在放晴的日子。幸运的话，可以看到排列整齐，像油画一样的云彩。塞纳河里不时经过的货船，在对岸还有零星的几只天鹅。然而在这灰色的天气里，巴黎虽然不那么明媚，但灰色却是给娇艳沧桑的巴黎平添了阴郁忧伤的一抹颜色。

闲来，我打开了qq邮箱，忍不住还是点开了阅读日志，订阅的人早在5月更新了一文，依旧是熟悉的笔风，淡淡地说着一丝感慨。和付乐的关系很微妙，我们从来没有真正成为男女朋友，如果说是暧昧，但空间离的距离甚远，事实上无法感觉到暧昧所带来的甜蜜；如果说是爱情，更无法解释之后的不了了之。

在我还没准备好接受爱的时候，我碰到了军斯，碰到了付乐。我不懂爱，也不明白如何去接受和拒绝。因为付乐，我从此害怕任何形式的暧昧，因此，在遇到军斯的时候，在暧昧还在萌芽的时候，我就用冷水浇熄了他的热情。

我一直以为自己是浪漫多情的女孩，这样回顾下来，其实我骨子里是冷峻又理智的，我清楚的知道，这两段感情都不可能会有结果。但每每回想起那段大学的时光，总还是很煽情的。不得不说，这两个人的文采都是吸引我的一个重要原因，但现实似乎告诉我，其实我真正需要的是阳光善良愿意悉心呵护我的爱人，而不是和我一样会伤感会敏感会小资的文艺青年。

付乐写给他爱人的文章总是让人动容，但我感动之余都知道，故事的主角永远不可能是我，记忆中偶尔闪现片断，如何能代替每天相守相知的碎碎念。曾经我也希望有这么个人，时不时地把我写进漂亮的文章里。这个念想，我还是趁早断了吧。