I don't wanna see a world without you

To "Nos Etoiles Contraires" (The fault in our stars).

William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar, Act I, Scene II :

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves..." 

Sometimes (or usually even always), we complain "why me", and there are actually so many things (usually sad things) happening without reason,  when no one to blame or when we don't want to blame ourselves, we'll blame on our stars.

It's not their fault to have their diseases, it's not their fault to have to face their short life, to help their family about their coming lost.

Everyone has to face the death, the death of the family, the friend, the life partner, and, themselves. The death wish could only be used once, because we could only die once. These two children use their death wishes to fulfill their dream or their lover's dream.

When the end of the life shines like the stars, like the champagne they were drinking, I was so touched by the eulogy of the friend "I don't want the artificial eyes to see, because I don't wanna see a world without you."

About death and life, life and love, this film worth crying in the cinema.

No Reason

I'm so loved that I have no reason to be sad.
I'm so satisfied that I have no reason  to worry.
I'm so blessed that I have no reason to complain.

But why, why, why I have no reason to feel the way I should feel.

My dark side

Maybe because I'm a premature girl, my circle of friends contains mostly those who are older than me, some of them are even more than 50 years older. I love listening their stories, sometimes the stories from long long ago, even before my parents' generation was born. Most of them are not that old. I don't know whether they consider me as the same age as them or just a little sister, although our discussion is really about the life of the older one, for example, the kids.

I have been enjoying being more mature than (at least in my opinion) the same age people. But sometimes my heart cannot follow my rationality. My heart sometimes cannot afford the sadness which I should not have at a young age. I still remember the evening when I called my mother from campus to comfort her, she said that you don't have to be strong like this, you are just a kid. At that moment I held myself not to cry, because I know she needed my support.

Prematurity maybe the reason that I choose to hide all the bad things, the dark things in my heart. This cause a great problem, is that, the closer you get to me, you'll receive more darkness from me. For those friends who are not so close, they think that I'm a funny girl. For those who've seen the darkness, I fear that one day they'll have enough and leave me. I don't wanna be abandoned, either I protect myself by keeping a distance, or I wait the day being abandoned, like waiting the judgement day.

I'm chasing something I'll never get. During the lunch time, Carrie said, you see, so many sisters love you, they're big sisters. When I was back to work, I felt so depressed, I don't understand, why so many people love me, but I insist to chase something outside. I'm ruining everything. And I can't share with anyone around. My dearest friend is so far away.

I want to leave here, I want to buy a ticket directing to the end of the world, and the departure time is tomorrow when I wake up or not forever.

The sun shone very well today, but it couldn't light out my darkness in my heart.

Lord, please, help me, who can I rely on except you?

There's nothing worth to expect for me now, I just want to get closer to you, it's so awful living like this.

No meaning

All the everyday stuff that fills our lives, neither adding particular meaning or taking it away.

I saw this sentence in an article from New Yorker, a cancer doctor whose wife died of cancer.

It is real, I find my life's meaning has been taken away by the everyday stuff, which has been pushing me, to live. I'm dragged by the stuffs to move on, I'd rather run away from my life. But I don't know how.

Thinking of giving up the good life is cruel, not only for the ones who love me, but also to those who struggle to live and still want to live. Life sometimes is a luxury for someone, but no color to others. They say that Camus has said, that some people are born to live, and some people are born to love. For those who are born to love, if they lose the ability to love, they don't know how to live.

Don't wanna sleep, because I don't know what to expect tomorrow.
Don't wanna come home, because I lost my transport pass.
Don't wanna go to work, because I'm no use for anyone.
Don't wanna stay in France, because I don't belong here.
Don't wanna go back to China, because I don't belong there either.
Don't wanna be dependent on anyone, because in the end I'm always burnt.
Don't wanna leave, because I know that hurts too...

I'm not worth it

I'm in a depression period. I'm a lucky girl, they don't give me up. I'm giving up myself.

It seems that I'm not worth one's love. I still can remember Sarah shared that so many times she felt herself not good enough. But as Jesus can forgive us, why ourselves cannot?

I'm a wicked girl. I choose to be together with someone when I don't know what love is. I was just eager to have some warmth in the cold world, I was reaching out for the help to get me out of the swamp of the sadness. And after all these year, when it's time to get married, I suddenly decided to think all this over.

I'm afraid of being in love with someone else but married to another, I'm afraid of leaving but to realize that the one I left is the true love.

I'm a terrible person. I'm just too greed to be afraid to lose, I think I'll end up being lonely. Because that's what I'm worthy.

Those who live are lonely

Apart from all the bad luck I've had for several weeks, I've got the bad news one by one, non-stop. A not so close friend's mother has passed away several days ago. This is the 5th passing away news I've heard for the people around me.

I never supposed that the death could be so close. Many years ago, this kind of news seemed always far. Or maybe it was because my uncle has gone forever when I was just 11 years old. I still remember my dad lying on the sofa sheding tears, while looking at me, asked, you are not sad about your uncle. I wasn't really sad. I didn't know what sadness really means. I had no heart.

I went to the funeral for the mother of a sister in church last month. We're not that close, but she serves the church hard and leads our choir to which I join too. I was so sad. Because I gradually understand little by little the unspoken deep sadness for the loss to the family.

Last year, N lost her father; this year, M lost his father, H lost her father, C lost her mother, M lost his grandmother, XH lost her mother. I'm sorry I didn't and couldn't do anything to make you better. I was too young to understand, and am too old to show the deep love. Those who still live are lonely. Those who still live need more courage. I was praying for several months for those who lost their family members, but this just continues to happen.

Yesterday I was lying on the bed suffering from the pain, reading the mail saying that our sister lost her mother. I felt so helpless. We'll see each other one day. But those who are still on the earth have to stand all the emptiness and feel being swallowed by the darkness.

My dearest, may God comforts you, please, have more courage to move on!

Future Past

I've watched two films this week. Both of them have a similar trick, that is going to the past in order to change the future.

Today when I was standing outside of my door and couldn't get in, I was kindof desperate to have such possibility to be back to the past. So then, I could have taken out the key inside, and closed the door, or, I could haved stayed and waiting Yan back instead of going down with him together...

As I was sitting beside Yan on the steps of the stairs, I asked him whether this was a dream. He told me, no. "Shit happens", and it has happened so many times in my life recently. Time can't go back, and I can't have the power of mutants or the ability of alpha or omega to rehearse one day again and again. I'm so normal, even banal. I have the same problems others have too, I repeat the idiot errors as others too. I'm not a specail one, although I've been persuading myself so, and I get disappointed about myself and the world. Because I cannot change the world, either my pessimisive attitude about the unknown future.

Future, a word dragging everyone to struggle for. Sometimes it gives hope, sometimes it gives desperation. I've been lost, I don't know what I'm fighting for. Or I'm afraid of fighting for something or someone, coz I know I'll lose them all anyway one day. I'm so pessimisive that I give myself a million excuses not to step out. During the last sharing day of BSF, I remembered that a sister said that all you need is to step out, when you step out you'll find that all you need He has already prepared there, and then you continue to step out, to step out. I'm a loser at the first moment. Thinking back, it seems that I never really tried my best to win.

Hey girl, I think there's something worth fighting even though in the end you'll lose it. Please try to change, don't make the future let you want to change the past.

Say Something

Say something, I'm giving up on youI'll be the one, if you want me to

Something will never be said, before it is already given up. Where's the one, so many poor couldn't tell. Life goes on like this, we're chasing, losing, falling, rising, then again repeating. We know we can't change the world, we can't change the sad rules. So many times I ask myself, why my world appears sadder than others. Whether it's because my thinking too much or others are fooling themselves.

Once I stop my busy steps and start to think all this over, I'm always falling down in the deep sea of sadness. I'm giving up on you, the sadder one is not the one being given up. Nobody will notice how much efforts have one who loves someone have to make to give up.

Anywhere, I would've followed you

 Where will be the deserted island to follow you?  How could I follow you to the end of the earth while standing before you, all I could do is to give up?

Say something, I'm giving up on youAnd I am feeling so small

 Being in love means everything inside you become smaller in front of the one you love. Your pride, your need, your dignity, all those you considered the most important things before other people become smaller and smaller. In this way, love becomes like a sunflower, it turns to the sun, just smile to please others. The perseverence to bear the flower, the suffering during the rainy time... Just to smile brighter when the sun comes up again. But the sun will never change its channel. The sun is acting itself, but what are you doing sunflower? That's what's your name for?

It was over my head I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall

 We're so clumsy before the ones we love, we stumble and fall, and then we'll even get up to make laugh at ourselves telling them "I'm so silly!". Instead, we know nothing at all about them, what is he doing? Why is he happy/not happy? Does he loves what I'm doing? We really know nothing at all. In the end, we'll forget ourselves too.

I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl

Love is patience, love is loving the truth, I'm still learning, everytime I say the samething to my Lord, my God, please teach me how to love. I'm still staring to crawl. I don't know how to love, I don't know the symptoms of love, not sure being in love or not.

Say something, I'm giving up on you

 I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you anywhere,

I'm sorry that I'm no use for helping you to get over your sadness. I become a little anxious when I realize that I could do nothing. That's why and when I begain to try to say goodbye.

 I would've followed you

 Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

My pride has already disappeared, but you never noticed that. You're the one that I love, as I become small, I even didn't realize that my pride was shrinking with me.

 And I'm saying goodbye

Although this has taken really a long time, I'm really saying goodbye.

Beginning of Summer - Time to say goodbye

Summertime Sadness, it's all about the departure. It is the end of the term, the end of the study years, the end of the contract, or even the end of love.

He decided to leave her, "there's something inside you, but it's hard to explain". By repeating this song, I can feel the deep sadness and hearbreaking in one's body. Sometimes, saying goodbye takes longer time than you imagine. I'm always the one who can't realize the sadness immediately. I need longer time to prepare, longer time to realize the absence of someone, and even longer time to accept the fact.

I still remember my crying several months before N's departure from work, and my crying several weeks after his leaving when seeing the empty chair. SA has left too, it took me a long time to say goodbye in my heart too. After experiencing all kinds of departure, I decided not to be the first one to say Goodbye. But, as the life always has a "but", we don't have choice.

The most difficult moment is not the time when he/she is leaving, but the moment when you remind yourself that you would never never do the same thing as before. "Never" is a cruel word, it can give you the sweetness while you forget the original bitterness. "I'll never forget you.", "I'll never abandon you", "I'll never leave".Never say never. Because, never can never be never.

All our promises are used to prove our heart at that very moment, but we were saying it without heart. As no one can be sure about future, even for himself.

Jenny told me that Christians' life is mainly about moving on. She's right.

Amour? Amitié?

J'aimerais bien pratiquer mon français en écrivant quelques choses. C'est une façon de cacher des sentiments aussi. En utilisant des langues différentes peut éviter des gens qui manque de la patience. Comme j'ai beaucoup de secrets de différentes domaines, je pourrais mélanger les langues et les secrets!

Avec beaucoup d'aide des collègues, mon français avance petit à petit. Mais c'est toujours difficile à m'exprimer sans faisant faute.

死亡

        又一次败在了黑夜的诱惑之下，听见伤感的歌，就像抒发自己心中累积的幽怨。

        前两天在日记里写道，长大了，身边才渐渐地多出了生离死别的消息。以前的世界很小很小，小到一次考试的一次失误都足以让人懊恼一阵。现在的世界很大很大，自己偶尔的忧愁悲伤放在偌大的城市就像水蒸气丢进了云彩里。
        刚回来小M就一脸乌云笼罩，我以为我的回来不足以让他开心起来，哪晓得是家中亲人离去了。只告诉了我一个人，一路无言，上了火车告诉我之后，我只是看着他满是忧伤的眼睛，说不出话来。
        死亡恐怕是世界上最让人无力面对的事情，尤其是那些被剩下在世上的人。死亡和时间一样残酷，总有人乐于追赶时间，却很少人去追赶死神。
        其他人不知道这个消息，很少的人发现了小M的不正常。只有在单独和我在一起的时候，我才能清楚感受到那股低气压重新回来的信号。每当此时，我就希望自己能懂得如何去安慰他。我是何其幸运，从未经历过至亲至爱的离世；因此，同时我无法去感同身受。想起一年前的这个时候，也是N刚得知这样的坏消息。当时仍然觉得遥不可及，甚至可能还说了让她伤心的话，无知的心嘴里说出来的话对一个经历丧亲之痛的人而言是多么地残忍。
        我本以为，有了信仰，就不会也不该对死亡惧怕。然而，更让人害怕的似乎是失去一个人之后习惯的被迫改变。周小北和樊斌最初不愿意分手，即使对方的外遇已经明目张胆地来到他们共同的家，小北说，最可怕的就是惯性，那相处多年的惯性，十分可怕地吞噬着在这段关系里的每个个体。但丧失亲人比失恋更为难接受，因为这不仅仅是惯性，是一个曾经以为会永远存在的依靠，等到失去的那天才发现，原来人真的可以一夜长大。
        小M，愿你和你的家人能够快点好起来。