I'm in a depression period. I'm a lucky girl, they don't give me up. I'm giving up myself.
It seems that I'm not worth one's love. I still can remember Sarah shared that so many times she felt herself not good enough. But as Jesus can forgive us, why ourselves cannot?
I'm a wicked girl. I choose to be together with someone when I don't know what love is. I was just eager to have some warmth in the cold world, I was reaching out for the help to get me out of the swamp of the sadness. And after all these year, when it's time to get married, I suddenly decided to think all this over.
I'm afraid of being in love with someone else but married to another, I'm afraid of leaving but to realize that the one I left is the true love.
I'm a terrible person. I'm just too greed to be afraid to lose, I think I'll end up being lonely. Because that's what I'm worthy.
2014/06/26
2014/06/17
Those who live are lonely
Apart from all the bad luck I've had for several weeks, I've got the bad news one by one, non-stop. A not so close friend's mother has passed away several days ago. This is the 5th passing away news I've heard for the people around me.
I never supposed that the death could be so close. Many years ago, this kind of news seemed always far. Or maybe it was because my uncle has gone forever when I was just 11 years old. I still remember my dad lying on the sofa sheding tears, while looking at me, asked, you are not sad about your uncle. I wasn't really sad. I didn't know what sadness really means. I had no heart.
I went to the funeral for the mother of a sister in church last month. We're not that close, but she serves the church hard and leads our choir to which I join too. I was so sad. Because I gradually understand little by little the unspoken deep sadness for the loss to the family.
Last year, N lost her father; this year, M lost his father, H lost her father, C lost her mother, M lost his grandmother, XH lost her mother. I'm sorry I didn't and couldn't do anything to make you better. I was too young to understand, and am too old to show the deep love. Those who still live are lonely. Those who still live need more courage. I was praying for several months for those who lost their family members, but this just continues to happen.
Yesterday I was lying on the bed suffering from the pain, reading the mail saying that our sister lost her mother. I felt so helpless. We'll see each other one day. But those who are still on the earth have to stand all the emptiness and feel being swallowed by the darkness.
My dearest, may God comforts you, please, have more courage to move on!
I never supposed that the death could be so close. Many years ago, this kind of news seemed always far. Or maybe it was because my uncle has gone forever when I was just 11 years old. I still remember my dad lying on the sofa sheding tears, while looking at me, asked, you are not sad about your uncle. I wasn't really sad. I didn't know what sadness really means. I had no heart.
I went to the funeral for the mother of a sister in church last month. We're not that close, but she serves the church hard and leads our choir to which I join too. I was so sad. Because I gradually understand little by little the unspoken deep sadness for the loss to the family.
Last year, N lost her father; this year, M lost his father, H lost her father, C lost her mother, M lost his grandmother, XH lost her mother. I'm sorry I didn't and couldn't do anything to make you better. I was too young to understand, and am too old to show the deep love. Those who still live are lonely. Those who still live need more courage. I was praying for several months for those who lost their family members, but this just continues to happen.
Yesterday I was lying on the bed suffering from the pain, reading the mail saying that our sister lost her mother. I felt so helpless. We'll see each other one day. But those who are still on the earth have to stand all the emptiness and feel being swallowed by the darkness.
My dearest, may God comforts you, please, have more courage to move on!
2014/06/14
Future Past
I've watched two films this week. Both of them have a similar trick, that is going to the past in order to change the future.
Today when I was standing outside of my door and couldn't get in, I was kindof desperate to have such possibility to be back to the past. So then, I could have taken out the key inside, and closed the door, or, I could haved stayed and waiting Yan back instead of going down with him together...
As I was sitting beside Yan on the steps of the stairs, I asked him whether this was a dream. He told me, no. "Shit happens", and it has happened so many times in my life recently. Time can't go back, and I can't have the power of mutants or the ability of alpha or omega to rehearse one day again and again. I'm so normal, even banal. I have the same problems others have too, I repeat the idiot errors as others too. I'm not a specail one, although I've been persuading myself so, and I get disappointed about myself and the world. Because I cannot change the world, either my pessimisive attitude about the unknown future.
Future, a word dragging everyone to struggle for. Sometimes it gives hope, sometimes it gives desperation. I've been lost, I don't know what I'm fighting for. Or I'm afraid of fighting for something or someone, coz I know I'll lose them all anyway one day. I'm so pessimisive that I give myself a million excuses not to step out. During the last sharing day of BSF, I remembered that a sister said that all you need is to step out, when you step out you'll find that all you need He has already prepared there, and then you continue to step out, to step out. I'm a loser at the first moment. Thinking back, it seems that I never really tried my best to win.
Hey girl, I think there's something worth fighting even though in the end you'll lose it. Please try to change, don't make the future let you want to change the past.
Today when I was standing outside of my door and couldn't get in, I was kindof desperate to have such possibility to be back to the past. So then, I could have taken out the key inside, and closed the door, or, I could haved stayed and waiting Yan back instead of going down with him together...
As I was sitting beside Yan on the steps of the stairs, I asked him whether this was a dream. He told me, no. "Shit happens", and it has happened so many times in my life recently. Time can't go back, and I can't have the power of mutants or the ability of alpha or omega to rehearse one day again and again. I'm so normal, even banal. I have the same problems others have too, I repeat the idiot errors as others too. I'm not a specail one, although I've been persuading myself so, and I get disappointed about myself and the world. Because I cannot change the world, either my pessimisive attitude about the unknown future.
Future, a word dragging everyone to struggle for. Sometimes it gives hope, sometimes it gives desperation. I've been lost, I don't know what I'm fighting for. Or I'm afraid of fighting for something or someone, coz I know I'll lose them all anyway one day. I'm so pessimisive that I give myself a million excuses not to step out. During the last sharing day of BSF, I remembered that a sister said that all you need is to step out, when you step out you'll find that all you need He has already prepared there, and then you continue to step out, to step out. I'm a loser at the first moment. Thinking back, it seems that I never really tried my best to win.
Hey girl, I think there's something worth fighting even though in the end you'll lose it. Please try to change, don't make the future let you want to change the past.
2014/06/11
Say Something
Something will never be said, before it is already given up. Where's the one, so many poor couldn't tell. Life goes on like this, we're chasing, losing, falling, rising, then again repeating. We know we can't change the world, we can't change the sad rules. So many times I ask myself, why my world appears sadder than others. Whether it's because my thinking too much or others are fooling themselves.Say something, I'm giving up on youI'll be the one, if you want me to
Once I stop my busy steps and start to think all this over, I'm always falling down in the deep sea of sadness. I'm giving up on you, the sadder one is not the one being given up. Nobody will notice how much efforts have one who loves someone have to make to give up.
Where will be the deserted island to follow you? How could I follow you to the end of the earth while standing before you, all I could do is to give up?Anywhere, I would've followed you
Being in love means everything inside you become smaller in front of the one you love. Your pride, your need, your dignity, all those you considered the most important things before other people become smaller and smaller. In this way, love becomes like a sunflower, it turns to the sun, just smile to please others. The perseverence to bear the flower, the suffering during the rainy time... Just to smile brighter when the sun comes up again. But the sun will never change its channel. The sun is acting itself, but what are you doing sunflower? That's what's your name for?Say something, I'm giving up on youAnd I am feeling so small
We're so clumsy before the ones we love, we stumble and fall, and then we'll even get up to make laugh at ourselves telling them "I'm so silly!". Instead, we know nothing at all about them, what is he doing? Why is he happy/not happy? Does he loves what I'm doing? We really know nothing at all. In the end, we'll forget ourselves too.It was over my head I know nothing at all. And I will stumble and fall
Love is patience, love is loving the truth, I'm still learning, everytime I say the samething to my Lord, my God, please teach me how to love. I'm still staring to crawl. I don't know how to love, I don't know the symptoms of love, not sure being in love or not.I'm still learning to love. Just starting to crawl
Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I'm no use for helping you to get over your sadness. I become a little anxious when I realize that I could do nothing. That's why and when I begain to try to say goodbye.I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you anywhere,
I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
My pride has already disappeared, but you never noticed that. You're the one that I love, as I become small, I even didn't realize that my pride was shrinking with me.You're the one that I love
Although this has taken really a long time, I'm really saying goodbye.And I'm saying goodbye
2014/06/07
Beginning of Summer - Time to say goodbye
Summertime Sadness, it's all about the departure. It is the end of the term, the end of the study years, the end of the contract, or even the end of love.
He decided to leave her, "there's something inside you, but it's hard to explain". By repeating this song, I can feel the deep sadness and hearbreaking in one's body. Sometimes, saying goodbye takes longer time than you imagine. I'm always the one who can't realize the sadness immediately. I need longer time to prepare, longer time to realize the absence of someone, and even longer time to accept the fact.
I still remember my crying several months before N's departure from work, and my crying several weeks after his leaving when seeing the empty chair. SA has left too, it took me a long time to say goodbye in my heart too. After experiencing all kinds of departure, I decided not to be the first one to say Goodbye. But, as the life always has a "but", we don't have choice.
The most difficult moment is not the time when he/she is leaving, but the moment when you remind yourself that you would never never do the same thing as before. "Never" is a cruel word, it can give you the sweetness while you forget the original bitterness. "I'll never forget you.", "I'll never abandon you", "I'll never leave".Never say never. Because, never can never be never.
All our promises are used to prove our heart at that very moment, but we were saying it without heart. As no one can be sure about future, even for himself.
Jenny told me that Christians' life is mainly about moving on. She's right.
He decided to leave her, "there's something inside you, but it's hard to explain". By repeating this song, I can feel the deep sadness and hearbreaking in one's body. Sometimes, saying goodbye takes longer time than you imagine. I'm always the one who can't realize the sadness immediately. I need longer time to prepare, longer time to realize the absence of someone, and even longer time to accept the fact.
I still remember my crying several months before N's departure from work, and my crying several weeks after his leaving when seeing the empty chair. SA has left too, it took me a long time to say goodbye in my heart too. After experiencing all kinds of departure, I decided not to be the first one to say Goodbye. But, as the life always has a "but", we don't have choice.
The most difficult moment is not the time when he/she is leaving, but the moment when you remind yourself that you would never never do the same thing as before. "Never" is a cruel word, it can give you the sweetness while you forget the original bitterness. "I'll never forget you.", "I'll never abandon you", "I'll never leave".Never say never. Because, never can never be never.
All our promises are used to prove our heart at that very moment, but we were saying it without heart. As no one can be sure about future, even for himself.
Jenny told me that Christians' life is mainly about moving on. She's right.
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