No Reason

I'm so loved that I have no reason to be sad.
I'm so satisfied that I have no reason  to worry.
I'm so blessed that I have no reason to complain.

But why, why, why I have no reason to feel the way I should feel.

My dark side

Maybe because I'm a premature girl, my circle of friends contains mostly those who are older than me, some of them are even more than 50 years older. I love listening their stories, sometimes the stories from long long ago, even before my parents' generation was born. Most of them are not that old. I don't know whether they consider me as the same age as them or just a little sister, although our discussion is really about the life of the older one, for example, the kids.

I have been enjoying being more mature than (at least in my opinion) the same age people. But sometimes my heart cannot follow my rationality. My heart sometimes cannot afford the sadness which I should not have at a young age. I still remember the evening when I called my mother from campus to comfort her, she said that you don't have to be strong like this, you are just a kid. At that moment I held myself not to cry, because I know she needed my support.

Prematurity maybe the reason that I choose to hide all the bad things, the dark things in my heart. This cause a great problem, is that, the closer you get to me, you'll receive more darkness from me. For those friends who are not so close, they think that I'm a funny girl. For those who've seen the darkness, I fear that one day they'll have enough and leave me. I don't wanna be abandoned, either I protect myself by keeping a distance, or I wait the day being abandoned, like waiting the judgement day.

I'm chasing something I'll never get. During the lunch time, Carrie said, you see, so many sisters love you, they're big sisters. When I was back to work, I felt so depressed, I don't understand, why so many people love me, but I insist to chase something outside. I'm ruining everything. And I can't share with anyone around. My dearest friend is so far away.

I want to leave here, I want to buy a ticket directing to the end of the world, and the departure time is tomorrow when I wake up or not forever.

The sun shone very well today, but it couldn't light out my darkness in my heart.

Lord, please, help me, who can I rely on except you?

There's nothing worth to expect for me now, I just want to get closer to you, it's so awful living like this.

No meaning

All the everyday stuff that fills our lives, neither adding particular meaning or taking it away.

I saw this sentence in an article from New Yorker, a cancer doctor whose wife died of cancer.

It is real, I find my life's meaning has been taken away by the everyday stuff, which has been pushing me, to live. I'm dragged by the stuffs to move on, I'd rather run away from my life. But I don't know how.

Thinking of giving up the good life is cruel, not only for the ones who love me, but also to those who struggle to live and still want to live. Life sometimes is a luxury for someone, but no color to others. They say that Camus has said, that some people are born to live, and some people are born to love. For those who are born to love, if they lose the ability to love, they don't know how to live.

Don't wanna sleep, because I don't know what to expect tomorrow.
Don't wanna come home, because I lost my transport pass.
Don't wanna go to work, because I'm no use for anyone.
Don't wanna stay in France, because I don't belong here.
Don't wanna go back to China, because I don't belong there either.
Don't wanna be dependent on anyone, because in the end I'm always burnt.
Don't wanna leave, because I know that hurts too...