Future Past

I've watched two films this week. Both of them have a similar trick, that is going to the past in order to change the future.

Today when I was standing outside of my door and couldn't get in, I was kindof desperate to have such possibility to be back to the past. So then, I could have taken out the key inside, and closed the door, or, I could haved stayed and waiting Yan back instead of going down with him together...

As I was sitting beside Yan on the steps of the stairs, I asked him whether this was a dream. He told me, no. "Shit happens", and it has happened so many times in my life recently. Time can't go back, and I can't have the power of mutants or the ability of alpha or omega to rehearse one day again and again. I'm so normal, even banal. I have the same problems others have too, I repeat the idiot errors as others too. I'm not a specail one, although I've been persuading myself so, and I get disappointed about myself and the world. Because I cannot change the world, either my pessimisive attitude about the unknown future.

Future, a word dragging everyone to struggle for. Sometimes it gives hope, sometimes it gives desperation. I've been lost, I don't know what I'm fighting for. Or I'm afraid of fighting for something or someone, coz I know I'll lose them all anyway one day. I'm so pessimisive that I give myself a million excuses not to step out. During the last sharing day of BSF, I remembered that a sister said that all you need is to step out, when you step out you'll find that all you need He has already prepared there, and then you continue to step out, to step out. I'm a loser at the first moment. Thinking back, it seems that I never really tried my best to win.

Hey girl, I think there's something worth fighting even though in the end you'll lose it. Please try to change, don't make the future let you want to change the past.